Plant Club Engages in Suspicious Activity

After the Plant Club bought a 300 year-old bonsai willow tree without asking Council for funding, suspicions arose about how they were able to afford the $400,000 price tag. An investigation into the club’s budget did not find anything amiss; all $400,000 could be accounted for by recorded entries labeled “plant sales.”

Suspicions were then raised again after a malfunction in Dr. Hair’s radiator burned all of the club’s plants that had been sitting on it, and students reported feeling “calm” and “super smart but really stupid at the same time.” Another investigation found that the fat clouds of smoke billowing out of room 222 had high levels of tetrahydrocannabinol, but the plant species could not be substantively determined.

Teachers report that they noticed droves of students streaming down the language hall towards the atrium about thirty minutes after the radiator malfunction released smoke throughout the entire second floor. Minutes later, the cafe announced a shortage of fruit snacks, Cheez-Its, and parfaits as a huge rush of students consumed everything they could get their hands on. “They couldn’t wait until they paid before they opened up the bags and started stuffing their faces,” said one cafeteria worker, “they were all giggling and making the line move real slow.”

The Plant Club was unavailable to comment on this story as they were on their March Intensive vocational training trip in Colombia.

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