Study Finds that if You’re Winded After Walking Up the Math Stairs, You’re Actually Just Lazy

Ever been winded after climbing the stairs to the math hallway? Turns out you’re not alone. A new study from the math department shows that approximately 98% of students suffer from an elevated heart rate after reaching the top of the stairs, and have to cover up gasps when entering math classes. Extreme cases show sweating as an additional symptom. However, this unfortunate 98% of students can be further split into two groups: those who complain (approx. 60%) and those who don’t (approx. 40%). At first glance this distinction might seem trivial, but a study shows the importance of the split by correlating those who do complain to being at least three points higher on the laziness scale than those who don’t.

An anonymous group recently uncovered a groundbreaking study titled “The Climb to Math Class: Not Everyone Has What It Takes,” that, until now, has been confined to a classified drawer in Mrs. Stevenson’s office. This document contains a multitude of surveys, tracing back to the 1980s, trying to see if there is indeed a connection between complaining about the math stairs and laziness. The results are shocking. The findings show that complaining about being winded actually increases the chances of participating in other “lazy” behaviors including leaving trash where it lands after missing the trash can, “forgetting” to wipe eraser crumbs off the desk, and, in recent years, falling asleep in Advisory Circle. 

The highest link between sharing out loud how winded you are and laziness is in a study comparing the frequency of complaining and the frequency of leaving trash on the ground when you miss the bin. This survey has been repeated six times over the last 40 years with similar results, showing that students have been misjudging their ability to throw trash into the can since shoulder pads were in style. According to the findings, students who whine about the struggle of making it up the stairs are 3.6 times more likely to shirk their responsibility of bending over to get their trash. (Keep in mind that complaining about the intense experience of climbing the stairs has nothing to do with the athleticism of the student; three-season athletes are among the biggest culprits).

Another finding that connects complaining to laziness is the fact that among every ten students who comment on their lack of breath, six will go on to leave eraser crumbs on their desks. This was proven in two surveys that used first-hand accounts from those who used the desk next, and backed by surveillance camera footage.

The last, and most startling result of the study, was done within the last year and brought together data submitted by peer leaders and pictures from the Instagram account “hanover high school sleepers” (@hanoversleepers). The results show that all students who fell asleep in Advisory admitted to have, within the span of one month, complained at least twice about how much the math stairs got them gasping. With clear links between these neglectful behaviors and whining about the stairs, it can be inferred that if you complain about being winded after going to the math hallway, you may just be lazier than everyone else.