Fraudside: Missing: Two Boa Constrictors

Sophomore Kelly Harris would like to report that she is missing her two pet boa constrictors. They escaped from their cages in February when Kelly brought them in to show to her biology class. She suspects they’re making use of the school’s plumbing system since the last time she saw them was when she accidentally left the cage in the girls’ bathroom in the science wing. When she came back, the cage door had been broken open and Sammy and Alice were gone.

“What worries me the most,” says Kelly, “is that they were entering their mating season when I lost them. I was supposed to keep them in separate cages for the next two months. My primary concern right now is for the safety of the innocent, newborn deadly reptiles slithering around in our pipes. They may grow to adult size in only a couple of weeks, but they are still children at heart. I just want them to come home with me, safe and sound.”

If anyone hears any hissing while they’re in the bathroom, notices piles of shed snake skin in the corners of the cafeteria, or knows anything whatsoever about the missing snakes, he or she should contact Kelly over school email, who is offering a generous reward to anyone who can help her find her not-so-furry friends.

“I’ll also offer a reward to those with information on who the Parselmouths in our school could be. The presence of those who speak Parseltongue, the language of snakes, is an atrociously unrecognized and overlooked danger in our country. They can goad serpents into doing violent acts that go against their nature. They were the true culprits behind 99% of the snake attacks reported in 2009. This is a wonderful opportunity to improve our school safety.”