The Secret Behind Hanover’s Winter Track Success
At 4 o’clock in the afternoon a strange sound can be heard in the halls of Hanover High School. To an outsider it may sound like some kid running down the hall imitating an airplane. They will no doubt wonder which idiots are running through the school after hours making airplane noises. The answer is the winter track team and the reason is very simple: Making airplane noises makes you run faster.
How do we know? Well, for starters, there has been extensive scientific research done on this very topic. The Kezar Berger Scientific Foundation for Airplane Noises (KBSFAN) has been studying the effects of airplane noises for a long time. Kezar Berger, the owner, president, lead scientist, head researcher, and test dummy of KBSFAN, said, “We’ve done countless scientific tests and have gathered enormous amounts of evidence. The results are indisputable. You’re not running your fastest if you don’t make airplane noises.” When asked which scientific procedures were used to come to this conclusion, Kezar replied “Well, we did many different tests in order to be sure of the outcome, but mainly I would just time myself running down a hallway making airplane noises and then, without stopping, time myself running all the way back. Every single time I ran this test, I was faster when I made airplane noises.”
The first person to make airplane noises on the Hanover Winter track team was First Musketeer Jake Licht. When asked how he came by this remarkable discovery, Jake said, “It was a natural response to being passed in warm-up laps, but it evolved to be more than that. Each time we saw something with serious speed or intensity, the airplane noises came along with them. The airplane noises are important and I felt they ought to be spread.” Jake did not keep this discovery to himself. He quickly relayed the information to the “Throwing Squad” (the athletes on the team who throw shot put instead of running). The Throwing Squad made it a habit of making airplane noises whenever they needed to run, especially during warm-ups when everybody sprinted down the hallway. Kezar, who also happens to be a thrower as well as a world class scientist, said, “We like to make airplane noises during warm-ups so that everybody else can see what a great effect they have on you. People see me whiz by at the speed of sound while making an airplane noise and they realize that they too will become better runners when they make one.”
The airplane noises weren’t wildly popular with the rest of the team at first. Maybe they weren’t convinced that airplane noises truly make you faster. Maybe they were jealous that the throwers had discovered something they hadn’t. Maybe they were just being decent people who didn’t make a ridiculous amount of noise in a school when people were trying to work. Whatever the case, the throwers were having a tough time spreading their message, even though they were just trying to help their teammates run faster. Then came a huge breakthrough in the form of Dillon Bradley. Dillon, a veteran distance runner of the team, became the first non-thrower to make an airplane noise. When asked what inspired him, Dillon said, “When I make an airplane noise it brings me back to the good old days of my childhood. It makes me feel young and vibrant again.”
Once Dillon started making airplane noises, the rest of the team started to follow suit. By the end of the year, half the team was making airplane noises when they ran down the hall. During the last week of track season, the team set a new school record with eighteen airplane noises in a single warm up session. But this was nothing compared to the last day of the year. Kezar stood by giving each and every single runner inspiration as they got ready to run. The track team did not let him down. They went out and made an absurd, world record breaking 29 airplane noises. This was capped off by team coach Party Pat making airplane noise number 30 as everybody cheered him on. Thrower Daniel Pinigin described the feeling of this accomplishment: “Getting 30 airplane noises imbued with me so much pride in our track team with how far we have come as a group. This moment symbolized to me how the invisible wall between throwers and the rest of the track team was slowly starting to come down. I hope I’m here to see the day when throwers, sprinters, jumpers and distance runners are treated equally. #Throwsquad4life.”
So effects that making an airplane noise can have are clear now. Not only do they make you run faster, but they are a great way to spread team spirit. The Throwing Squad members were the undeniable leaders in team spirit this year, thanks in large part to the airplane noises that they brought to the team. Captain Sam Pych praised the throwers for their amazing contributions, stating: “Track is a relatively serious sport in the winter, especially when we go inside the school. The throwers were able to bring some laughter and fun to otherwise serious practices.”
However, there is still one person on the winter track team who is not convinced about the airplane noises. Sprinter Liam Collins always refused to make airplane noises when he was running. It didn’t matter how much irrefutable evidence Liam was given about the positive effects of airplane noises; he refused to make them. When asked why, Liam said, “Airplane noises are the epitome of winter track. They do not make you faster, they make you slower.”
First of all, let’s all laugh at Liam because he clearly does not know what the word epitome means. He is saying that airplane noises are a great example of winter track, which although true is not at all what he was trying to say upon further interviewing of his stance. So already, Liam has taken a big, fat L.
Secondly, Liam was shown time and time again that making airplane noises does, in fact, make you run much faster. The fact that he continues to deny it to this day shows how closed minded and selfish he is. He would rather stick stubbornly to his beliefs than help his team. Not only would he have ran faster, but he would have helped the team spirit immensely. Every airplane noise counts. If Liam hadn’t been so self-centered the track team could have had 32 airplane noises on the last day of the season, or maybe even more because of his inspiration. But Liam refused to help the team, and refused to listen to the facts. After promising to do the airplane noises on three separate occasions and pulling out each time, it’s going to be hard for anyone to trust Liam and his dedication to the Winter Track team ever again. Even after Mr. Bourne roasted Liam for not making airplane noises, Liam refused to budge on his position. It is clear at this point that Liam is a lost cause. Hopefully someday he discovers the error in his ways.
Despite Liam’s best efforts, the airplane noises have taken over the winter track team. Ask anybody who made one and they will say they have no regrets. The Throwing Squad is unfortunately in their last year here at Hanover High. We can all rest easy knowing that they have set up the winter track team for success for years to come.