Fraudside: Teachers Behind Hanover Confession and Other Pages
The “Hanover Confession” Facebook page
Internet behavior has been analyzed. Staff meetings have been bugged. Suspects have been tailed. After this extensive snooping, the Broadside’s top clandestine investigators are proud to reveal the masterminds behind Facebook’s Hanover Compliments, Hanover Complaints, Hanover Crush, Hanover Confession, and Hanover Ponies — it’s the teachers.
The investigation was tumultuous, filled with promising leads and subsequent disappointments. More students were considered than the Broadside would care to reveal. It was surmised that Tobias Reynolds was surely at least somewhat involved; his hair is so big, it must be full of secrets. The stealthy way in which Lily Cadow flits about the school led to the investigation of her possible involvement, as well. What else would add that special hint of omniscience to her voice as it swells over us all while she reads the morning pledge of allegiance? Matt Stebenne was also a natural suspect, considering the large number of photos of a vast portion of the student body he has stored away deep in the recesses of his digital depositories; he has got enough photographic evidence to bring us all down.
These students and many more were meticulously tracked, sometimes for weeks on end, but these futile efforts led nowhere. It wasn’t until the Tuesday before March Intensive that the investigation finally had its first real breakthrough in the form of an anonymous tip. Charlie Kehler, staff advisor to the Broadside, was checking his in-box in the main office when he noticed a crumpled piece of graph paper wedged in the shadowy back corner of the slot.
“Even before I unfurled the note, I had a hunch this was it,” says Charlie. “It felt like all our efforts that heretofore had led us nowhere and all the passion we had invested in this project were converging in space and time such that I knew whoever wrote this note was driven to do so by some cosmic force that needed us to know the answer to all our probing questions.”
The note contained a somewhat cryptic form of the information that Charlie and the rest of the Broadside staff were aching to receive. In an agitated, almost aggressive scrawl the following was painstakingly printed, as if the writer had to restrain himself from breaking through the paper: “HC, HC, HC, HC, HP — the teachers know.”
Charlie emailed the Broadside staff, and they decided to plant a recording device in the next day’s staff meeting. Time seemed to drag as the Broadside staff waited with baited breath on Wednesday afternoon until the coast was clear, which would allow editor Liz Haas to sneak into the chorus room and retrieve the tape recorder. Members of the investigative team were sitting around an atrium table in complete silence with unblinking eyes and jittery knees when Liz’s cell phone lit up and vibrated furiously against the tabletop, creating a jarringly loud buzzing that shocked the group out of its focused stupor. The text was from Charlie, and it informed her that all the teachers had left.
Liz darted up the stairs to the music department and into the chorus room. Since not even a teacher would dare tamper with Ms. Wood’s music folder, it had been decided that this was the perfect hiding spot. Liz retrieved the recorder, rushed back downstairs, and nodded to the rest of the team to follow her back to the Digital Art Lab. The mission was completed successfully, and all that was left to do was listen and uncover the truth.
The recording revealed that the staff meeting had commenced with a summary of the minutes of a meeting from a couple months ago. It was then that all the teachers had a long discussion about how well they really knew the student body and came to the conclusion that there was a whole store of information that students knew about their peers that the teachers couldn’t access. Mr. Campbell suggested that by observing the student body’s social media world they would truly understand the complex interactions that happen between students and the rules, expectations, and conventions that govern them. Being new to the school, he wanted to start off with the project optimistically by creating the Hanover Compliments Facebook account that would allow him to see what students value in each other. Through many hours of Facebook stalking, he was able to find and friend the majority of the student body. Hanover Compliments was a quick success, its inbox flooded daily with more and more messages from students complementing their peers. Mr. Campbell then posted these blurbs and tagged in the posts the recipients of the compliments.
Mr. Campbell was ecstatic that the page was doing so well and felt that it had really helped give him a broader understanding of the students and the school climate, so he reported back at the next staff meeting and encouraged teachers to create other pages with a similar format.
“It was wonderful to see the staff have such enthusiasm and interest in the student body,” says Mr. Campbell. “I’m really happy they took so well to the idea, not only because I now know the students better, but also because I’ve learned a lot of useful logistical information about the ins and outs of the school. For example, I’m especially glad to know that the practice rooms are really a strictly student space for them to use to expand their musical and social relationships with each other.”
The first teacher to create another page was Ms. Alsup. Always a realist, she wanted to know what else kids had to say about HHS that maybe wasn’t so complimentary, so she created Hanover Complaints, a page where students can send in disparaging sentiments regarding the school. Although the page is riddled with harsh criticism, Ms. Alsup says, “Nothing surprises me with these… kids anymore*.” Ms. Murray and Ms. Stevenson love to gossip — just watch them at Council meetings — so they created Hanover Confession, a page which links to a Google form for kids to anonymously submit their secrets. Ms. Guarino created Hanover Crush in an effort to give kids a safe space in which to express their urges and along the way hopefully learn about healthy, safe relationships. As for Hanover Ponies, Mr. Donnelly just really likes ponies.
So, students of HHS, now you know: the teachers know about our crushes, our critiques, our platonic admirations, our deepest, darkest secrets, and how little we care about ponies. All bets are off. Think twice before you sass Mr. Bourne. Before you know it he’ll throw the B.S. flag on you and bring up the fact that you spent $5,000 at the cafeteria last year. Don’t use Google Translate, or Monsieur Cochran will remind you of that embarrassing crush you have on a freshman. Our school has changed drastically and there’s no turning back. If we don’t watch out, it’s not long until the parents become involved. Who knows what fourth quarter has in store?
*This quote was censored