HHS DOES AWAY WITH SCHEDULE-UP

Justin Campbell, Hanover High School’s Principal, together with Ian Smith, the School’s Dean, announced in a joint press conference Wednesday, that Scheduling-Up will no longer be used as a response to student misbehavior. They declared that Scheduling-Up has become so prevalent and so cumbersome to manage on the part of the administration that it had to be replaced with something more efficient and effective.

Starting tomorrow any student cutting classes or misbehaving will be dealt with by having to spend an assigned amount of time in The Stocks which will be erected in the front of the Atrium. The Stocks have been a well-known and effective (though not as effective as the dunking stool - also considered by the administration) means of administering discipline since the early Puritan days of New England. It is expected that several hours in The Stocks, enduring the taunts and comments of passers-by, will readily cure many forms of student misbehavior with little effort on the part of the administration - thus freeing them for more creative forms of educational harassment.

Reptilian/Illuminati Agenda in HHS EXPOSED!

After much speculation, this photograph was leaked by a confidential source from inside of Council, which proves that our Dean of Students, Ian Smith, is a Babylonian Reptoid shapeshifter from the planet Nibiru. But what does this mean for HHS? Let’s take a look at a clue from Family Guy, a known Illuminati mind control asset.

On September 19th, 2005, WMUR first reported on the Freshmen hazing scandal. 8 years and 6 days later from September 25th, 2005, the day that Family Guy aired an episode titled “Jungle Love”, which featured High School freshmen being hazed. Is this a coincidence? I think not, and I will go on further to say that it’s in fact a clue that he’s left for his master plan.

8 years and 6 days makes 8-6, the atomic number of Radon, which means his plan is to harvest the Radon in the bowels of the school to power his spaceship. To protect yourself from the radiation, the Senior Class Committee will be selling its usual Snake Oil at a discount price of $10 per bottle in the atrium this Friday.

Dean of Students to Distribute Condoms

Now that council passed the motion to distribute condoms at school, the issue arises that students might have to talk to the school nurse to acquire one. Until the Dresden School Board passes the motion, the only people able to act upon it are the school administrators. In a surprising move, Mr. Smith volunteered to distribute condoms personally, like a hotdog seller at baseball games. When pressed, Smith’s justification was “Student’s won’t feel as afraid of talking to the nurse after seeing me yelling about condoms in the atrium. I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t think it would help the school.” Smith then demonstrated the propeller hat he would wear to make him less intimidating.

Chemistry Notice:

A poisonous liquid know as dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO), has been detected at HHS, please stay away from the water fountains, as it has leaked into the water supply. Some of the symptoms are urination, frequent breathing, and unwanted blinking. As much as a thimble full can kill you according to the DHMO research website (DHMO.org). You can get poisoned from DHMO by consuming, breathing or even by touching the condensed form can cause severe tissue damage.

Bad Dog! New Drug-Sniffing K9 at HHS

Starting later this month, you’ll notice a new dog patrolling the hallways. We at the Fraudside advise you, dear reader, to avoid it at all costs. After last year’s article about the medical marijuana club, the Hanover Police Department began to consider the impact of non-medical drugs in the school. Blondi, the german shepherd, was trained to find drugs, but also to go a step further and find perpetrators of drug crimes. As far as we can tell from the Hanover PD’s report, Blondi is an LEO authorized to make arrests, so extinguish those joints and leave the vodka at home, because Blondi has no thumbs and thus uses her teeth instead of handcuffs.

New sport in the NHIAA

Due to increased popularity in New Hampshire the NHIAA has decided to add a competitive sport to its current offerings. After careful study they have decided to add a ground based version of Quidditch. A spokesperson from the organization was overheard commenting that they hope to have a flying version as soon as possible. They first need to perfect the flying motorcycles they have in their secret research lab.

ALERT: New Dress Code

After careful consideration and study of the current generation of students the administration has considered updating the dress code policy at Hanover High School. Currently there is almost no code that students need to abide by. The administrations says that “Hanover is very similar to a private prep school. The students should be held to that standard more by requiring formal clothing to school.”

Starting next week students will be punished if they do not abide by the new policy. The policy is that all students will be required to wear swimsuits while in the building.

The Fraudside is a yearly issue of the HHS Broadside published on April 1st

**All content printed in the April Fools day version of the Broadside (The Fraudside) is not true.**